This is not necessarily a direct reflection of the toddler I live with; more a conglomeration of every toddler in the history of the world.
10 Reasons Proving that Toddlers are Terrorists.
1. They usually need a translator.
Because no one but a toddler’s parents knows that “Nack, up, totes. Et a go mama! ” means “I would like a snack up in my high chair, a snack which includes toast, while I watch the music video of Let it Go on youtube.”
2. They will self-destruct to make a point.
You want me to sit down in this chair while I drink my cup of milk? Well how about I throw the cup of milk and scream so you have to put me in time out and THEN maybe you’ll understand that I wanted to drink my milk while I walked down the stairs backwards and drew on the wall with this broken pencil, MOTHER.
3. They will hold you hostage for an outrageous ransom.
Holding their breath until they pass out. Throwing a fit so big that you have to leave a party. Falling asleep in their carseat the second you reach your destination. Refusing to eat. Taking off their shoes right before you leave the house. Peeing their pants in the church bathroom. Sitting down in the dairy aisle until you open that pack of string cheese, or drag them out by their overall straps.
Their tactics are endless.
4. In-fighting is their weakness.
You can go ahead and buy two or three of every toy you own. Go ahead. But as soon as another toddler arrives on the scene, you can bet your life that nothing looks quite as enticing as the toy someone else is already thoroughly enjoying.
5. There are masterminds and there are soldiers.
Look for the loud ones to be manipulating and giving directions, and quiet ones to be climbing into your washing machine with your wallet and an old bottle of lube that they found in your secret ‘mommy’ drawer.
6. Sleep deprivation: a battle that wins the war.
The more tired the prisoner, the more likely they’ll give in. Everyone knows that. See you at two a.m., mom and dad!
7. An inclination for short-sighted ideology.
Because like a terrorist, the only idea a toddler believes in, is his own idiotic idea.
8. Engaging in warfare is a futile measure.
You can’t fight an enemy that you can’t see. Don’t try to understand why this almond will taste better than that almond. Don’t try explaining why we don’t walk through fields of thorny bushes. Just say no and keep up the good fight.
9. They fight to be a sovereign nation, yet can’t govern themselves worth a crap.
Everybody wants to brag about how ‘verbal’ their child is, until that child learns the phrase “No, ME! I do it!” Insert: shoes on the wrong feet. One underwear leg hole, two legs. Bowls of applesauce spilled under the fridge. Hands stuck under door cracks. 45 minutes to climb into the car and buckle their own car seat. Some awful mommy or daddy at the park is going to tell you that it’s important to let your child explore their own world and express their own desires. It’s ok if you want to slap that parent and then shove your kid in the carseat and get to your meeting before you’re late. Remember: you live with a terrorist. You are the hero, not them.
10. Every battle is worth fighting to the death.
Paul Bloom says it best:
“Young children are highly aggressive; indeed, if you measure the rate of physical violence through the life span, it peaks at about age 2. Families survive the Terrible Twos because toddlers aren’t strong enough to kill with their hands and aren’t capable of using lethal weapons. A 2-year-old with the physical capacities of an adult would be terrifying.” This Slate article