Sometimes when things are tipping towards chaotic over here, especially when Sam is gone and I’m alone with these kids (fine MY kids) I find myself thinking like a Civil War officer sending for help.Which is obviously weird but also, it just feels right. Like when it’s past dinner time and Clara is hollering because there are not enough raspberries in her bowl and the baby needs to nurse and I’m trying not to burn the chicken on the stove and for some inexplicable reason I’m still wearing large leopard print earrings which are now clinking around and bothering me, and in my head I’m going all kinds of Western Union:

Is not going well stop Send reinforcements stop Troops advancing stop All is in despair stop Tell my loved ones goodbye stop Heading west stop Really far west stop Will be on the beach stop Drinking rum and pineapples stop Many many rum and pineapples.

Sincerest apologies,
Captain Horney
1st Division
The Trenches
Parenting